This time last year Lawrence had already decided to not be around for the rest of my pregnancy and the birth of his child. Now, we are planning on taking her to homecoming and he has no problem talking about how much he loves her. This is the Lawrence I like to remember. My friend and now the father of my daughter. If he could just stop worrying about what certain people think then I believe we could do this co parenting thing with no problem. I know what it's like to not have people support me and I hate that he has people doubting him trying to do the right thing.

I think the worst thing that has happened in a long time was being judged for something that had absolutely nothing to do with me. If I had actually done something wrong to make someone not trust me then I could have at the very least apologized but I can't even do that. I can't apologize for what someone else did. It wouldn't change what they had done and the damage they had caused. I hate that this person took advantage of an entire family but it has nothing to do with me. I left the father of my daughter alone for s very long time. When someone asked about him I kept the answers as simple as possible snd just told people he wasnt in the picture and it was just Arden and I. I felt like if I explained the whole story it would just make people judge me even more because he felt pressured by his family to not be there and how on earth could a smart girl like me ever try to be with such an idiotic coward.

The truth is I allowed someone to hurt my feelings, I allowed their thoughts and actions and words to affect me and I'm embarrassed. They shouldn't matter. If they are going to be that ridiculous then they don't deserve to be in my daughters life. I work hard and try to be the best mother I possibly can. I wasn't married when I had her or even in an official relationship when I got pregnant but I did love her father. I could never do anything to intentially hurt him and the very thought that someone even thinks I could does hurt my feelings. I can be stoic and strong until the cows come home but when someone says stuff like that about me, it hurts.

I did the paternity test, I proved that he is the father and it's still not good enough. I know everyone will tell me that it doesn't matter and as long as I know I'm a good person that's all that matters but eventually my daughter will be around this woman and she will slip and say something to Arden and Arden will come home to me confused and hurt. Talking to this woman is impossible because she seems to think she knows everything and only her answers and reasoning work. She has this wall up that is just constantly blocking out love and shoving hate at everyone. Nobody is honest with her because honesty leads to lectures and 50 million questions so it's just normal to lie. I never want Arden to feel like she has to lie to me. What kind of relationship would that really be.

I feel like because we weren't married there will always be a new excuse for why they don't want me around or why Arden will be treated differently. We weren't married but remember I was the one that stood up and took care of our daughter while he continued to party and not help out in any way. I went to school and took care of my daughter by myself. If paternity were really the only reason he didn't want to be around he would have persued it more in the past year but he let it go because deep down he still isn't ready to be a father. He won't ever be ready either if he doesn't have support from the most important people in his family. If they continue to come up with crazy scenarios and excuses then every bit of trust he and I have built will be broken because he'll always have to decide between his daughter and our parenting plan and his other family.